Weapons of Mint Destruction, or Cobblers!

Weapon of Mint Destruction
Weapon of Mint Destruction

***This is a little piece of writing that I previously posted on a different blog some time ago. Someone left a comment saying it was the biggest load of cobblers they’d ever read, with a few other shrewd gleanings conveying the idea that if I couldn’t handle a Fisherman’s Friend then I must be a wimp. Taking such thoughtful feedback into consideration I’ve decided to republish it here (with some incredibly minor editing), with the warning: it’s supposed to be humour! Please carry on, thank you…***

A kindly old lady my family used to sit beside in church as I grew up (sadly no longer with us but now in a place where sermons are no longer dull and distraction via mint-sharing no longer necessary) used to offer my sister and I Fisherman’s Friend mints every Sunday in church. The first time I took one to be polite…and within seconds my mouth was on fire. Today I’d liken it to unsuspectingly biting into a red hot chilli pepper with no water at your disposal. Since that time I have briefly wondered if this innocent old lady was actually a well disguised Secret Service Agent trialling explosive mints to the unwary in tests which, if successful, could then be used on active service as weapons of mint destruction. My reasoning was that no sane person would offer such a mint to a mere child (not for a minute implying that Secret Service Agents are insane…). I was then offered a theory by my slightly older and in my eyes infinitely wiser sister, that such older women (of which the kindly old lady next to us in church was an example) had lost, through age, the ability to taste much so the explosive mint didn’t effect her to the same extent. Thus she would be unaware of the dangers of offering such an explosive thing to a mere child.

To this day I’m unsure as to the legitimacy of this reasoning.

Result of keeping Fisherman's Friend mint in mouth for too long without urgent medical attention!
Result of keeping Fisherman’s Friend mint in mouth for too long without urgent medical attention!

Having a Fisherman’s Friend mint, or if you’re feeling truly sadistic or suicidal, multiple mints, in your mouth is like trying to suck on the hottest chilli pepper in the world. In mint terms it’s like progressing from a polo mint to a neutron bomb with nothing in between.

What I do know is that one of the greatest disciplines in the world to learn is that of keeping a Fisherman’s Friend mint in your mouth for any length of time without coughing, choking or spitting it out or your face going the kind of purple that would have made Willie Wonka call his Oompa Loompa’s to cart you off to Wonka’s rehab facility. It should really be a timed event of endurance in the Olympics, perhaps to replace wrestling, which I believe has now been dropped as an Olympic sport. The thing is, even Willie Wonka would have apologetically explained that such a mint was in the early stages of development and subject to continual adjustment…but the makers of the Fisherman’s Friend mint deemed it ready for public consumption.

Evil masterminds behind Fisherman's Friend explosive mints! In case of libel, this accusation is entirely untrue...as far as I know.
Evil masterminds behind Fisherman’s Friend explosive mints! In case of libel, this accusation is entirely untrue…as far as I know.

If such a mint made it to market today the company behind it would be called before the Commons Select Committee to explain their actions. For those unfamiliar with the CSC, it’s a UK cross party political panel which calls people and organisations in to explain themselves and, often for the cameras, tries to get them to make grovelling if insincere apologies for apparent mishaps (like plunging the world into economic meltdown). The cross party politicians accuse the guilty parties by contorting their faces into angry expressions in the hope that the ‘accused’ will be terrified into making tearful apologies, thus making the panel look big and increasing their political street cred…and hopefully gaining another few thousand twitter followers.

Back to the point…

I am pretty sure that if any of the world’s superpowers received news that an oppressive regime was stock piling Fisherman’s Friend mints, these would be classed as Weapons of Mint Destruction and they would have to seriously consider a pre-emptive strike. In an ironic twist of fate, such a pre-emptive strike could possibly involve the use of Fisherman’s Friend mints.

As for me and my mouth, Extra Strong mints are about as far as I go.

This article may well be cobblers, but it’s my cobblers, so there 🙂

Thanks for reading.


Be nice, be contrary, but don't be rude :-)

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